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WITH WHOM SHOULD THE CHILD RESIDE IN A DIVORCE? By James H. Allison, Attorney at Law
7737 Olentangy River Road A divorce and separation of the parents does not mean
that the child is being divorced from the parents. Quite to the contrary, a caring and loving parent will nurture
the child and provide a positive environment for the child, working with the
child to arrange a custody and visitation schedule that is in the best
interests of that child. Only in those
cases where a parent is shown to be
“unfit “as a parent will the court deprive that parent of visitation
with the child and may order supervised parenting time. Most courts encourage shared parenting of the child with
the parents, and sometimes grandparents, so that the life of the child
continues in as high a quality as possible with as few disruptions as
possible. In almost every case, the
inability of the parents to peacefully live together on a day to day basis
results in a divorce that removes tremendous stress from each parent and the
child. The child will now spend very high
quality time with each individual parent on a visitation schedule that is
designed to accommodate the personal work schedules and desires of each parent
and the child. The parenting time and visitation schedules will
necessarily have to change as the child grows and becomes older, moving into
the next, rapidly changing phase of his or her life as they move up from grade
to grade in school. As the child
becomes older, the dependency upon the parent is less and less and the freedom
of association and discussion about life with peers will become one of the
child’s most important past times.
Forcing a child to adhere to a strict parenting or visitation schedule
with each parent can interfere with the developmental processes that each child
must participate in and personally enjoy as he or she moves forward with their
own personal agenda. While many courts
have adopted a fixed scheduled that can be followed for parenting time and
visitation, the parents and the child need the flexibility of deviating from that
fixed schedule wherever appropriate in the best interests of the child so that
the child’s development may expand much the same as it would have with the
child having the same freedoms that the child would have had without a divorce
of the parents. Young children prior to the age of 2 need an established
and secure environment that provides a sense of trust for them. Many times it is more appropriate for a
child of such a young age to spend most days out of each week with one parent
and have brief but frequent visits with the other parent of 1-3 hours, 2-3
times per week as schedules permit.
Time spent with the other parent will increase as the child adapts to
the separation of the parents and becomes more secure in the arrangement. A familiar environment and daily routine is
essential for a child 2 years or younger. Overnight visitation commencing depends upon the maturity
of the child and the ability of the parents to effectively communicate. If a consistently high quality parenting
time and visitation schedule can be adopted, both parents and the child will
greatly benefit. It is better for each
parent to act as the “babysitter” for the other parent where possible,
relieving each parent with the task of concentrated and full-time care of a child. Some distance and separation from the child
from each parent is not only beneficial for the parent and the child, but is
essential to everyone maintaining a healthy mental attitude. Periodic separations by each parent from the
child can greatly improve the quality of the parenting skills and level of
communications with each other. The
guiding principal must be the best interests of the child at all times. If there is open and honest communication between the
parents, making decisions that are in the best interests of the child will
become automatic and easy to accomplish.
As the children become older, more and frequent visitation will be
available and sometimes automatic as the parents and child recognize how to
work with each other and cooperate on setting schedules for parenting time and
visitation that is in everyone’s best interests. The child’s self-esteem is very important as the child progresses
through elementary school, participates in extra-curricular activities, and
develops friendships with peers. Both
parents need to pay particular attention to school work and attend conferences
with the teachers to make sure that the child is progressing normally with a
healthy attitude from class to class and from year to year. Many times it is very easy to adopt such a
fixed routine that a parent can ignore the needs of the child that are rapidly
changing as the child progresses through the grades, particularly in elementary
school and into high school. Older
children can move back and forth between parent’s homes with minimal stress and
can actually enjoy the changes available to them provided they have the
necessary support of confidence in their activities from both parents. Adolescence will naturally begin the process of the child
separating and distancing themselves from their parents, whether the parents
are divorced or not. The children
commence the process of sexual identification and begin to explore intimate
relationships and in-depth discussions with their peers about life and what
lies ahead. If the child comes from a
confrontational and stressful environment whereby both parents are fighting
with an obvious lack of love and trust, the child’s perspective on “marriage”
will be severely tainted. Children from
a confrontational home life tend to shy away from any emotional attachment to
the opposite sex and/or they may re-create the problems that are observed in
the poor relationship that their parents exhibited. The parents should work hard to never make the child feel
that he or she is a burden with respect to certain responsibilities that must
be undertaken such as trips for doctor’s appointments, school events, or
transportation to and from friend’s houses.
Both parents must share the responsibilities of all activities involving
the child. If the parents have an
effective and a workable means of communication, the child is less likely to be
stressed or anxious when a mis-communication occurs and a parent fails to honor
his or her obligation with respect to certain responsibilities involving the
child’s activities. If personal
communication between the parents is difficult and they cannot communicate,
then the parents must find other ways to achieve agreement on the sharing of
responsibilities such as voice mails or telephones, e-mails, fax machines, or
communications arranged by the family psychologist or Guardian Ad Litem. At no time should the parent use the child
as a means of communication on any activity or issue. The most secure environment that can be created for a child
is that which allows them to continue with extra-curricular activities, have
friends over after school, and live under a similar set of rules and
expectations in both parent’s residences. Parents should never argue with each other in the
presence of the child which results in creating additional stress for the
child. Nor should a parent offer
negative comments about the other parent in that parent’s absence. If a parent feels that the demands of taking
care of the child are too difficult to manage, then that parent should
immediately consult with an experienced clinical psychologist to discuss the
issues that have arisen and seek simple and meaningful ways to resolve those
issues in such a way as to create an environment that is in the best interests
of the child and allows the parent to function on a normal basis as a sole
parent. If the child exhibits unusual
behavior that is not correctable, then a good child psychologist needs to be
contacted to commence working with the child on a regular basis until those
problems are resolved. It is extremely
important that the child be allowed to move forward with his or her life in as
peaceful and stress free environment as possible, given all of the demands that
will be placed upon the child in their own life among their own peers and
teachers. |