GOOD COMMUNICATION CRITICAL FOR CHILDREN

By   James H. Allison, Attorney at Law

7737 Olentangy River Road
Worthington, OH  43235
Tele:  (614) 848-6500
Fax:  (614) 848-6516
e-mail:  jha@iwaynet.net
web site: www.jameshallison.com

                        When parents are going through a divorce or dissolution of marriage, they have certain concerns about their own security and do not sometimes appreciate the insecurities that this process creates for their children.  If the biological parents going through a divorce will communicate facts and procedures to the children in an ongoing basis, it will help relieve the stress that the children experience.

                        If the parent’s attempts to talk to the children do not seem to resolve a lot of the insecurities and emotional anguish that the children may exhibit, then it would be important for the parents to engage a good mental health professional such as a clinical psychologist trained in dealing with children in such family problems. An experienced and well trained clinical psychologist can provide the necessary common sense tools that the parents and children can use to help them successfully move forward to a more secure and happy environment.  As the old saying goes, as one door closes, another door opens, but it takes a certain amount of concentrated time and effort to go through the process. 

                        The most important thing to avoid during a divorce is to take such actions or make such statements that serve no other purpose than to traumatize the children with negative and derogatory comments about the situation and the other parent.  As hard as it is to do sometimes, a positive attitude needs to be pursued for the sake of the children as they will be maintaining a relationship with the other parent for many years after the divorce is completed.

                        Moving from a long established residence or from a particular neighborhood can be extremely traumatic for a child.  However, if they can think of the move as an opportunity to meet new friends and experience new adventures, their stress level will be substantially reduced.

                        Since their birth, you have helped the children approach and accomplish many tasks that confronted them.  A divorce of their parents is another task they will approach and participate in with your support.  The key word is patience in how you handle them and each situation that arises from day to day.

                        Since the entire process creates insecurities for not only the parents, but also the children, it is important for the parents to decide upon a plan of action on how to communicate the fact of the divorce and the lifestyle changes that it will bring to the children.  Writing out on a piece of paper exactly what you want to tell the children is a good place to start.  Deciding when and where to tell the children is a good second step.

                        Many children are not surprised when they are officially told by the parents that a divorce is imminent as they have observed the parent’s relationship disintegrate over time or realize that the quality of their lives can be substantially improved by spending quality time with each parent alone rather than in a stressful confrontational family situation where both parents cannot tolerate the personality or preferences of the other parent.

                        It is important to present a well thought out explanation of the rationale behind the need for the divorce.  The children’s initial concerns can be greatly diminished if they see a logical positive presentation by both parents on the resolution of the personal differences that have surrounded the parents.  The love and support of the children at this time in their lives is more important than the personal concerns of the individual parents.  The children did not choose to be brought into this situation and the parents owe the children a duty to help resolve these differences in the best way possible for the benefit of the children.  At no time during the process or following the divorce should the children ever be used as a weapon or a tool of revenge against the other parent. Not only is it unfair to the child to put them in the middle, but it will leave long standing scars on their perspective of what marriage and divorce is all about as they mature and try to develop a meaningful relationship with other non-family members in the future.

                        Most children blame themselves for the fact of the divorce occurring.  This is an irrational conclusion that the child reaches in his or her mind, but is due in part to their inability to understand the great sense of loss they feel.  Their thought process is not as logical as it could be in a non-stressful situation. Self-blame and guilt is one of the first emotions that surfaces in the child’s thought process and needs to be dealt with as early as possible in the overall discussions as the case moves forward. Periodically checking with the children several times a day or several times a week about how they are doing and how things are in their world can allow them to open up and talk about the painful issues that somehow don’t seem so bad after they are discussed.

                        The role model that you exhibit to the child will have an impact upon their relationship with the other persons they come into contact with as their lives progress.  No one will forget each other’s reactions and comments to the events that are unfolding that at times will seem uncontrollable, but yet necessary.  It is extremely unhealthy for a family to be forced to live together in an environment of confrontations and discord.  The children’s ability to reflect favorably upon the attitude and analysis of your input and contribution to that child, will be remembered forever.

                        Nobody knows your children better than you do.  You will be able to anticipate their questions and their reactions as you move into a discussion of most of the issues if you write down your basic concerns and objectives prior to presenting the children with the facts they need to know. The age of the child will dictate the level of the emotional issues that you discuss with them and what you can expect in their depth of understanding on those points.  You cannot have a discussion with a four year old child about the same issues that you can discuss with a 16 year old teenager.  The age of the child will dictate the topics that can be discussed, but planning those topics and the depth of the issues to be reviewed is an important step in your preparation. 

                        Too much information all at once may be more than the child can handle, regardless of their age. While it is good to talk about the issues and encourage the child to relieve a lot of the internal stress the builds up during the divorce process, there are only so many delicate issues that may be discussed and resolved at one time.  The most important issues should be discussed first as there will be time to discuss other issues in the future.  If you feel that the discussion is not going in the direction you anticipated or that problems are beginning to arise that cannot be solved, then you should contact an experienced clinical psychologist to discuss how to proceed.

                        It is not fair to the child to make negative statements about the other parent as that child must continue to maintain a healthy relationship with that other parent. Repeated negative comments from one parent about the other causes incredible stress on that child and prevents that child from being able to maintain a health attitude toward marriage in general when it comes time for the child to develop a relationship with the opposite sex at some point in the future.  Just because your relationship with your spouse did not last forever, it is no excuse to put a guilt trip on your children that makes it difficult for them to develop a meaningful relationship with other persons that they meet in the future.  If you present the children with problems that they cannot rationally solve as time goes on, it will compound their inability to adjust and grow into the various stages of their life.

                        Explain the various events and the time frame surrounding those events as the divorce progresses for the children so that they are not surprised by new information that must be absorbed and understood.  Discuss only as many issues as you and the children can comprehend and accommodate at any given time.  The younger the child, the more the need for less specific information.  The need for support of each child at any age is constantly needed. If you are asked questions that you don’t know the answer to, be honest with the children and tell them that you will find out by talking to an attorney or to a psychologist.  The child will be glad that you are seeking and will receive professional advice which will benefit the entire family.

                        When you find yourself laying on too much guilt or negative comments upon the child about your feelings about your spouse, drift away from the conversation and share those observations with a close friend, or your attorney, or your psychologist, but not the child as it is unfair to burden the child with issues that do not involve them and to which they do not have an answer, but will blame themselves for not having the ability to give you an answer.

                        If your children are in the house, they can probably hear your conversation with your spouse, or figure out the subject matter and the emotional level of that discussion, regardless of how far away you think they might be removed from you in the residence. The children will have their antenna extended and ready to pick-up on any information they can gather at any time.  Be careful not to assume that they cannot hear what you are doing or saying. Do not move the process too quickly. Everyone will need time to adjust to the many changes that will come everyday.  Finish out school terms whenever possible and try to avoid changing schools in the middle of the year.

                        Work out your frustrations and anger on your own time, not during the quality time you spend with the children.  Spend time with your friends, your attorney, or your psychologist, if you do not feel confident that you can have a meaningful discussion with the children. Don’t force discussions to occur until you are ready to handle them with the best interests of the child being foremost in the discussion.  Each of the children, regardless of their age, will look to you for reassurance and control over the situation, including their own well-being and security.  Just because a divorce is in the process, does not mean that your obligations are diminished in any way as a parent as to that control and security that you have always provided.

                        Your actions can speak louder than your words.  What you communicate to each family member, including your spouse, through your actions can speak volumes of what you are really thinking, regardless of how pleasant the spoken word might be when you release it.  Parents who have their children’s best interests at heart throughout the process, from beginning to end, will receive the greatest amount of respect and affection from the children and other family members, including aunts, uncles, cousins, and so forth.